Advice on How to Write a D- Paper
1. Don't prepare for class. When in class make sure you listen only
to those things that will be relevant to your paper topic. Don't let
extraneous information clutter your mind.
2. Sit in the
back row; you will be called on less. If you are called on, mumble and
cover your mouth with your hand. Teachers will learn not to call on you.
3. Be sure not to open your text. After
all, doing so may reduce its resale value. Don't underline important
phrases or make marginal notes. If you do, the thing will be worthless at
the end of the semester when you need to get money for a trip to
4. Write your
paper the night before it's due. The pressure will do wonders for
your powers of concentration and selectivity. Definitely don't write a
draft and revise it; that takes entirely too much time that would be better
devoted to non-academic fun and games.
5. Be sure that you repeat what your professor has said in
class. Verbatim transcripts work best in this regard. That way
it's obvious you've been paying attention. After all, if you get your
stuff straight from the horse's mouth, how can you go wrong?
6. If in doubt, be evasive and noncommittal. Use words
like "seems," "appears," "maybe," "I
think," and "in my opinion." If possible, end your paper
with something like this: "But in the final analysis, who's to
say?" This is known as a rhetorical question.
7. If you quote from the text, make sure you don't comment on
the quote. You might get into trouble. It's always better to say
something like: "The above quotation illustrates the author's point
admirably." Don't say how, though. That's for the
professor to figure out! And whatever you do, certainly
don't attempt to evaluate anything. After all, you might get it wrong.
8. If you must have a thesis, make sure it's nice and
vague and uncontroversial. Prove something that you're sure about and that
only a moron would ever question. In addition, offer only broad
generalizations to support the thesis; never get pinned down on details.
9. Whenever
possible, use lots of jargon. In fact, the
more the better. It will give your paper an air of
authority. Also, it tends to confuse professors. After all, they
can't give F's to what they don't understand! Besides, jargonized
morphemes are the sort of things that look good in a paper. Your professor may
even think you are a logophile.
10. Don't bother
to proof-read. And whatever you do, don't get someone else to
proof-read for you! Professors are paid good money to catch spelling
errors and grammatical faults; make'em earn it. Don't ever use a computer spelling or
grammar checker! Besides, when you're out of college a secretary will do
that sort of stuff for you.
11. Finally,
whenever possible turn your paper in late. Your professor will
probably figure that you worked on it harder and longer than your
classmates. After all, 'A' is for effort, isn't it?
(Adapted from
A.D. Irvine, Dept of Philosophy,