An elderly gentleman was knocked to the ground by a careless cyclist as he was crossing the street. Two bystanders rushed to his aid. The first covered him with his coat, and the other put a rolled up jacket under his head as they waited for an ambulance to arrive. The first bystander asked the gentleman, "Are you comfortable?" The gentleman answered . "I make a living."
Jerry Schulman

This blond guy is sitting in a bar, located on the 10th floor of a high-rise building. Sitting next to him is a dark-haired guy who looks like he's been drinking awhile. The dark haired guy turns to the blond guy and says, "You know the alley between this building and the high-rise next door?" "Yeah, what about it?" answers the blond guy, as the bartender sets another drink down in front of him. "Well," says the dark-haired guy, "there's a really strong draft between the two buildings. If you jumped out the window, the draft would keep you from falling and bring you back up." "No way, you're lying," says the blond guy. "I'll prove it to you," says the dark-haired guy. So the two guys and the bartender walk over to the window. The dark-haired guy jumps out and starts to fall. About four floors from the ground, he stops and starts heading back up. He grabs the window ledge and the other guy helps him back in. The blond guy decides he wants to try that, so he jumps out the window. But he doesn't come back up. Instead, he hits the ground with a SPLAT. The dark-haired guy returns to his seat, followed by the bartender. As the bartender gives him another drink, he says, "You know, Superman, you really are a mean drunk."
Shelley McKibbon

Humana hospital in Dallas has announced that they will stop using rats in their experiments and instead use lawyers. The hospital gave three reasons for the change in policy: 1) they are running out of rats; 2) the lab technicians often become attached to the rats; 3) there are some things even rats won't do.
Allan Solly

A young male ventriloquist is doing his act in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde joke routine. Halfway through, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little man sitting on your knee!"
Don Settee

I first heard this joke 50 years ago: A man makes his first cross Canada flight, with stops at several airports en route. At each airport he notices that a red truck comes up to service the plane. As they land in Vancouver, his seatmate says, " We made good time on that flight." He replies, " That red truck made pretty good time too!"
Barbara Craig-Wenstrom

An old man’s buddies send him a prostitute. When the prostitute appears at the old man's door, she says, "I am here to give you super sex." The old man says, "I'll have the soup."
Trevor Anderson

There’s an 8 and a 0 walking down the road. The 0 says to the 8..... "Nice belt"

Q: How come in France they only eat one egg for breakfast? A: Because, un oeuf is enough!
Carolynn Gaudet

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh Thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so profound a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which she had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,.”I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?”
Beverley Trull

What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Back in the 1920s, two racehorses are standing around the stable complaining about how rough things are. One complains, "What a life! Up at dawn. They give us a drink of warm water and dry oats. Then we have to run around the track all morning. In the afternoon, we have to do it again, except with thousands of people watching. And if we lose, then next morning we're up twice as early, get half as much to eat, and they work us twice as hard. Just then a stable dog interrupts. He says, "you guys think you have it rough? Think of the milkman's poor horse. He's up before dawn every morning, pulling that heavy cart through the streets -- up one hill and down the next. And it never gets any lighter, because every time the milkman delivers a quart of milk he takes back four empties... You two have it easy." Then the first horse looks to the second horse and says, "Look! A talking dog!"
Gerry Matthews

An old one that Buddy Hackett told and I nearly croaked laughing. A hunter shoots a duck. He and his dog run off to retrieve it. Finds the duck just inside a farmer's field, farmer standing there chewing hay looking at it. Hunter says "Excuse me, that's my duck, I just shot it." Farmer says, "Sorry, friend, it's inside my fence line so it's MY duck." After some bickering, the farmer suggests a groin kicking contest for ownership of the duck. Hunter agrees, and steels himself for the first blow. Farmer draws back a leg and heaves hunter in the groin so hard the hunter drops like a stone, tears in his eyes, wind driven from him. After five minutes the hunter manages to haul himself to his feet and mutters, "okay, now it's my turn." Farmer says, "Nah. Keep the duck." Of course, with Buddy Hackett telling it it's a lot more animated.
Dan Wall

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering whether or not there really is a doG.
Stan Davey

A guy at home is bored, decides he needs a good pet, something unique. He goes out and decides on a centipede. He gets home with his little buddy, places the box down and watches some TV. Feeling bored, he lifts the lid and asks, hey Mr. centipede, would you like to go to the bar? No answer from the little guy, and replaces the lid. An hour later, he lifts the lid, and asks about the bar, again hears no reply. A Short time later, the man decides to give it another try, he lifts the lid, and in a little louder voice asks, Mr. Centipede, would you like to go to the bar? Suddenly a very meek little voice says, would you please shut up, I heard you the first time, I am trying to get my boots on.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.

A guy walks into a shop and sees a dog lying on the floor in front of the counter so he says to the clerk " Does your dog bite? " And the clerk says " No" So the guy reaches down to pet the dog which suddenly, viciously bites his hand. So the guy, cradling his hand, says to the clerk " I thought you said your dog doesn't bite." And the clerk says "That's not my dog."
Glenn Abendschoen

This is one of the funniest jokes I have heard. It describes our relationship with the U.S. perfectly: "This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. "Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Paul Tucker

Late one evening, two nuns, Sister Logic and Sister Mathematics, are walking back to the Nunnery when they notice they're being followed by a sinister-looking man. "What could he want," asks Sister Mathematics? "Logic dictates that he wants to have his way with us," replies Sister Logic. "He'll be upon us in 5 mins. 28 seconds! What are we to do," asks Sister Mathematics. "It would be logical to increase our pace," replies Sister Logic. "Now he's only 1 min. 14 seconds behind us," says Sister Mathematics looking back again! "This is logical. When we increased our pace, so did he. Logic would next suggest that we split up. He can only follow one of us," replied Sister Logic. The sisters take 2 different paths and the man, having to decide, follows Sister Logic. Sister Mathematics makes it back to the Nunnery followed a few minutes later by Sister Logic. "So, what happened," asks Sister Mathematics? "Well, the man caught up to me," replies Sister Logic. "And..." asks Sister Mathematics? "Logic told me to hike up my habit," replies Sister Logic. "AND...," asks Sister Mathematics? "Logic further dictated that the man pull down his pants", continues Sister Logic. "AND...," Sister Mathematics asks excitedly. Sister Logic replies, "Well, as logic would have it, a sister with her habit hiked up runs faster than a man with his pants pulled down."
Henry Rytwinski

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is serving him he looks at his customer and asks: "Say, aren't you a grasshopper?" The grasshopper replies, "why yes I am." "That's funny," says the bartender,"we've got a drink named after you". "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Geoff Reeves

So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s out-stretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
William J. Pomber

A Texan was traveling through Newfoundland one winter morning when he came upon a Newfoundlander in his underwear standing on a frozen pond sawing through the ice. The Texan commented: " Man I seen some tough people in my day but a man standing on a frozen pond in winter sawing through the ice is the toughest I've ever seen." The Newfoundlander looked up at him and said: "Tough! You think that’s tough? Then you should see me buddy on the other end of the saw"
Angus Campbell

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home? "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "ME"
Gene White

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food and a beer. After he finishes his meal, the waiter hands him the bill. The panda pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter dead, stands up and begins to walk out of the bar. The bartender chases him and says, "Hey, what are you doing. First, you shoot my waiter dead and now you walk out of the bar without paying:. The panda looks at him with disdain and says" Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up. The bartender goes back to the bar and pulls out his trusty dictionary and looks up panda. He reads: Panda - a marsupial of south Asian origin, black and white in colours. Eats chutes and leaves .
Joel Singer

Earl Cowley of Chelsea is visiting his old friend Maj. Featherstonehaugh (Fanshaw), who has just returned from six months in India. On the wall of Featherstonehaugh's study is a huge tiger's head. "Good God, Featherstonehaugh, that's the largest tiger I've ever seen! Bag it on your last trip?" "Yes Cowley, and it's quite a story. We were out for days tracking this vicious maneater. We'd seen signs, but never caught sight of him. On the last night I was alone in me tent when I heard some snuffling sounds and the soft padded footsteps. I knew immediately it was our tiger. The sound grew nearer and I began looking about for me gun and suddenly realized, "Damn! It's packed away." Just that moment the tiger popped his head into me tent and let out this enormous RRROOAAARRR!... and Christ, you know, I shat meself." "Ah," said Cowley, "under the circumstances that's certainly nothing to be ashamed of..." "No, no," said Featherstonehaugh, "I mean just now!"
John Friesen

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long lineup of judgement. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness", he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgment but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah, those..."Satan said with a groan, "They're all from Vancouver and they're too wet to burn."

A man dies choking on a chicken bone at a fancy dinner. The funeral director tries to comfort the new widow by pointing out how good the late departed looks in his tux and that there will be money saved by not having to buy him a new suit. "No," cries the widow, "He was wearing a blue suit when I first saw him and I want him buried in a blue suit no matter what the extra cost." So there he was at the funeral, handsomely laid out in a blue suit. After the service the widow thanks the funeral director and asks how much extra she would have to pay. "Oh nothing, another fellow died right after your husband. He was wearing a blue suit and his wife didn't care what he buried in . . " "So you just switched suits," said the widow as she caught his drift. "No," explained the director, "We switched heads."
David Page

I don't know about funniest but I like this one: As he was about to retire to his warm bed a man heard a loud knocking at his door. Answering the summons he discovered an obviously very drunk man, standing in the rain, who said, "Say, pal, could you give me a push?" "At one in the morning, in the pouring rain, not a chance." said he and slammed the door. Returning to his bed he explained what it was about to his wife who reminded him that people had helped him on other occasions. He then donned his clothes, and a raincoat and boots and going back to the door, "OK, where are you?" he called into the dark. The drunk replied, "I'm over here on the swing."
Darrell McDonald

Q.: When you turn out the light in the kitchen, where does it go? A.: Check the fridge!
Torsten Berning

A guy walks into a bar. Bang! Right in the head!

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Carol Hathaway

Mel is a small businessman who runs a company that makes nails. He wants to increase sales so he goes to an ad agency to make a TV commerical. He tells the ad people he wants a commercial that stresses the quality of his nails. They tell him to come back in a week. A week later Mel goes to the ad agency office to view the proposed commercial. The commerical opens with the camera on a nail with "Mel's Nails" and his company logo stamped on it. The view then pans out and you see nail nailed into the palm of a hand which is nailed to a piece of wood. The camera further pans out and you see a guy nailed to a cross by this hands and feet. He is in rags wearing a crown of thorns on his head. Then words appear on the screen: "Mel's Nails - QUALITY" After the viewing Mel is visibly disturbed. "I don't like this commercial. I deal with a lot of people in the trade industries who would be offended by it." "It's no good. Change it." The ad agency says okay and tells him to come back in another week. A week later Mel returns to view the re-worked commercial. It opens with the same bearded man with the crown of thorns but he is now running for his life. Chasing him are 2 Roman centurions. One of the centurians says to the other, "DAMN!, we shoulda used Mel's Nails!!"

Last summer when the Pope came to visit Toronto, the Bishop sent the limo and his chauffeur to pick him up at Pearson Airport. When the Pope got off the plane he told the chauffeur that he had just got his driver's licence and would he indulge him and let him drive the limo into the city. Well, the chauffeur could only say yes to the Pope and off they went. As with some new drivers the Pope had a rather heavy foot and caught the attention of a couple of OPP Officers along the route. They pulled the limo over and one of the Officers approached the driver's window. He came back to the patrol car a few minutes later looking very shaken. His partner asked "Well who was it?" His buddy said "You're not going to believe it!" "Is it the mayor?" "I don't think so." "Is it the Premier?" "I don't think so." "Is it the Prime Minister?" "Look, I don't know WHO it is, but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!!"
Jean Sharp

A 12-year-old boy is walking home from school after having his first sexual education class. Being a curious sort, he decides on buying some condoms on the way. He sees that a six-pack are on sale for $5 at the drug store. He takes them to the pharmacist to pay for them, and the pharmacist asks for $5.75. "But the sign said they were on sale for $5" says the boy. "Well, that's not including the tax" replies the pharmacist. The boy looks absolutely horrified and says, "I thought they just kind of held themselves on!"
Stephen Cornwell

Bear Warning: California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. One should watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Peter Gorham

An Irishman is walking along the beach when he sees what looks like an old Guiness bottle sticking out of the sand. He picks it up and brushes off the label, and - poof - a genie appears, offering the usual three wishes. The man looks at the bottle, and says "Well, for a start I'd like a full one of these." The bottle magically becomes full, and the man takes a long drink. When he's finished, he notices that the bottle is still full, and asks the genie why. "Well," replies the genie, "you asked for the bottle to be full, and it will always be full, no matter how much you drink from it. Now, how about those other two wishes?" "Well, in that case" says the excited Irishman, "I'll have two more of these."
Allan Clark

Santa Singh goes to a doctor with both burnt ears. Doctor: How did this happen? Santa Singh: I was ironing my shirt and someone called me, I put the iron to my ear thinking it to be the telephone. Doctor: How did you happen to get the other one burnt too? Santa Singh: The idiot called again.
Vikramjit Mahal

A man enters a bar, and orders two pints of beer. He drinks from one then the other until both are finished, and leaves. He does this every night, and eventually the barman can't contain his curiosity. "I can't help noticing that you order two drinks at once; that's kind of unusual - patrons usually buy one, then another." The man replies "yes, that's true - it must seem a bit strange, but my brother has emigrated to New Zealand, and we decided to drink to each other every night, so that's why I order two; one for me and one for my brother." The barman is very touched by this show of friendship, and tells the man so. A little later, the man comes in with a sad look on his face, and only orders one pint. The barman, fearing the worst, eventually builds up the courage to ask "I hope that nothing's happened to your brother . . ." "Oh no," says the man, "it's nothing like that, it's just that I've given up drinking."
Allan Clark

A Democratic Congressman and a Canadian Opposition MP were arguing who had the freer nation. Their debate was going nowhere till the MP said "In Canada, I can stand up in the House of Commons and say that 'The Prime Minister cares more about public opinion polls than the safety or freedom of Canadians'..., without the fear of being called a traitor or unpatriotic...Can you do that in Congress?" "Just watch" The congressman say's Later during the session of the house the Democrat stands and nods to the MP in the gallery and says... "Mr. Speaker, It has come to my attention that the Prime Minister of Canada cares more about polls....."
Colin Caldwell

Two peanuts were walking down the was a salted.

A young woman gets on the a city bus with her newborn baby. The bus driver takes one look at her baby and breaks out laughing. "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!". The woman is so offended she storms to back of the bus and sits down angrily. A young man sitting across the aisle from her notices how upset she is and asks her what the problem is. "That busy driver was just horribly rude to me!" she said. "Well, that's not right." The man responds. "He shouldn't be allowed to treat you like that!" "I know, I know." the woman responds. "Our tax dollars supplement his income. In a manner of speaking, he works for us." "You're right!" The woman exclaims. "You should go give him a piece of your mind!" "I think I will!" The woman says and stands up. "Good for you. I'll hold your monkey."
Ned Pullen

Three men were in line at the Pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. When they finally get to talk to St. Peter, they are informed that everyone gets to drive a car around in heaven, but the type of car you receive will depend on how faithful you have been to your wife. The first man admits to having had an affair. St. Peter gives him a Chevette, with some rust and no muffler. The second man tells St. Peter that he cheated, but only once. He receives a Volkswagon. The third man proudly tells St. Peter that he has been completely faithful to his wife of 50 years. He receives a shiny new Ferrari. So the three men are driving around heaven when they come to a stop light. The man in the Ferrari is crying hysterically. The other two men ask him what could possibly be wrong - after all he is in heaven with a beautiful vehicle!? He looked at them slowly and replied "I just saw my wife... she was on a skateboard!!"

Mr. and Mrs. Hill were vacationing in Transylvania when their car went off the road and they were both horribly killed. But just above the site where they died stood the castle of a mad scientist. When he heard the car's noise, the scientist and his assistant, Igor, came down to see what had happened. The scientist was appalled at the deaths of these two poor people, so he and Igor took the bodies back to his castle. In the castle, the scientist and Igor worked feverishly to reanimate the dead couple. Lightning, chemicals, new organs ... but nothing worked. Eventually, the scientist gave up, fell into a despair, and went away to his tower to play the pipe organ until he felt better. Igor was mopping up the lab and listening to the scientist play when he noticed that the dead woman was stirring. She sat up and shook herself, then reached for her husband, who also sat up and looked around. Igor knew his employer would want to know of this development at once, so he took off up the tower stairs. Reaching the top, Igor pounded on the door until it flew open. He threw his arms wide and said... "Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

I think it is quite funny. It's not the funniest joke I ever heard, though. That has to be this one: Q: "What's invisible and smells like carrots?" A: "Bunny farts!"

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender keeps staring at him. The gorilla is offended and finally says, "hey man, why are you staring at me?" "I'm sorry" replies the bartender, "but it isn't everyday that we get a gorilla in here." The gorilla replies: "at these prices, it's no wonder."
Arthur Chapman

A snail crawls into a bar and yells "bartender I want a beer". The bartender looks at the snail and then curls up his finger and flicks the snail off the bar! A year later the snail crawls into the bar again and yells at the bartender "hey... wudya do that for!!?"
Paul G.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says and says to the bartender, "give me a beer and a mop."
Dean Justus

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a nice house in a quiet suburban neighbourhood. To his astonishment, the door is answered by a young boy of about 12 years of age who has a cigarette in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other. The shocked salesman asks " Is your mother home?" What do YOU think" answers the boy.
Bruce McIntosh

The original and still the best, the Monty Python Funniest Joke in the World: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Simon Gammage

Nine-year-old Sara returns home from school, and her mother asks her how her day was. "It was great" Sara, says, "we got to take swimming lessons today. We had a lady take us in the pool and teach us how to tread water and do the front crawl" Sara's mom sighs, thinking back to her younger days. "When I was your age" Sara's Mom replies, "it was a lot different. They used to throw me in the deep end and wait for me to start paddling. Every time, they'd just throw me in." After a few seconds, Sara looks at her mom and says "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
G. Hoe



A man walks up to a woman in a bar and, desperate to seem like a sweet and sensitive guy, he says "You know, I never got dogs - I'm a cat man, myself." The woman, seeing right through the veneer, says "I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes."
Neil C. Raynor

Albert Einstein approaches St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, who is standing next to a whiteboard. St. Peter says, "We've been having a problem with imposters - can you prove you are who you say you are?" Without hesitation Einstein goes to the whiteboard and begins formulating an equation that only he could solve. St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven Mr. Einstein." Pablo Picasso approaches, St. Peter stops him and explains how Einstein had proved himself. Without hesitation Picasso goes to the whiteboard and drafts a sketch in his inimitable style. St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven Mr. Picasso." George W. Bush approaches. St. Peter stops him and explains how Einstein and Picasso had proved themselves. Without hesitation Dubya goes to the whiteboard, then stops and asks "Who's Einstein? Who's Picasso?" St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven Mr. Bush."
Ken Berk

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry but we don't serve drinks to pieces of string. Get lost!" So the string goes outside, ties himself into a knot, fluffs up the top end of the string, and comes back inside and orders a drink again. "Hey," says the bartender. "aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of here a while ago?" The string says, "I'm afraid not."
Barbara Pollock

The galley slaves were sitting there, chained to their oars, waiting for another endless day of rowing to begin. The slave master appeared in front of them and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there will be no rowing today. You will be unchained and free to roam around the ship and eat and drink as much as you like." A great cheer went up from the shackled multitude. "The bad news is that tomorrow the Captain wants to go water skiing."
Jack Sweeney

A teacher gave a class a true and false quiz. He noticed one girl writing the exam who would flip a coin, check if it was head or tails, than write her answer for each question. He decided to say nothing. She'd find out how inadequate her method was. When she was finished he saw her start at the top again and repeat the procedure. He couldn't contain himself any longer. "Now what are you doing" he asked. She answered, "Well, I'm checking my answers."
Isabel Foot

This is the classic Canadian joke: Q: How do you get 50 drunken, unruly Canadians out of the swimming pool? A: You say "Hey, would you please get out of the swimming pool."
J. Levine

"I think not", said Descartes . . . and promptly disappeared!

An old guy is taking his first plane trip. The plane takes off and shortly thereafter a loud bang is heard on the starboard side. The captain comes on the intercom and says " Folks, we just lost our #1 engine, but we have 3 others so we'll be fine, we'll just arrive 1 hour late". Soon, the passengers hear a loud bang on the port side. Captain says "Well, there goes our #2 engine, now it'll be two hours late arriving." Sure enough, soon a third bang is heard on the port side. Captain says "Now it's three hours folks". The old guy turns to his seatmate and complains "Jeez, if that 4th engine goes, we'll be up here all night!"
Sharel Lambert

Two baggage handlers are removing one of those pet-carrier cages from the belly of a plane when it slips and falls 20 feet to the pavement below. One of the guys climbs down, looks inside the battered cage, looks up solemnly and says 'Damn, we killed a cat'. His partner takes a look, thinks a bit, and says 'Hey, this is a pretty ordinary-looking black cat with a collar and tag. I bet if we went to the pound, got a similar cat, put this collar and tag on it, etc, nobody would know.' So they decide to try to replace the cat. Meanwhile, a little old lady is waiting at the baggage claim for the cage to appear. After about an hour, she goes to the service rep to ask about her cat. The agent tries to keep her calm, but after another 1/2 hour the lady is getting worried and irritated, and the agent is becoming frustrated. Finally, the cage appears, and both of them breath a sigh of relief. The lady glances at the cage across the room and immediately says 'That is NOT my cat!'. The frustrated agent asks 'Madam, how could you possibly claim that's not your cat when you barely glanced at the cage and didn't even look inside?' 'Because, my cat was DEAD!'
Mark R

A farmer phones the Fire Department. Farmer: My barn's on fire and if you don't get here quick it's going to catch the house on fire. Fireman: We're on our way. How do we get there? Farmer: Don't you still have that big red truck?
Peter Maher

I was looking for a piece of writing by Einstein, but instead found this story, which has become my favourite joke. When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them to each buy a copy of the group picture. "just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'" a small voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher. She's dead"
Cara Miller
Watson, Saskatchewan

An elderly carpenter notices a man wearing a white robe and a curious look on his face peering into his shop. He pokes his head out the door and asks the man if he can help him. "Well", the man says, "I grew up in a carpenter shop just like this one. But I haven't been back in a long time." "That's interesting", replies the older man, "a boy used to live here, but he disappeared one day and I haven't seen him for a long time." The young man went on; "I was raised by a very wise, gentle carpenter with a beard who helped me understand the ways of mankind. He wasn't my real father but I loved him just as if he was." "Well isn't that something? I helped the boy learn tolerance and understanding, He wasn't my real son, but I loved him as if he was." the elder replied. Suddenly, the young man's face lit up with joy. He spread his arms and shouted, "Joseph!" At the same time, the old carpenter spread his arms and shouted, "Pinochio!"
Rene Roy

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
K. Knight