An elderly gentleman was knocked to the ground by a careless cyclist as he
was crossing the street. Two bystanders rushed to his aid. The first covered
him with his coat, and the other put a rolled up jacket under his head as they
waited for an ambulance to arrive. The first bystander asked the gentleman,
"Are you comfortable?" The gentleman answered . "I make a
This blond guy is sitting in a bar, located on the 10th floor of a high-rise
building. Sitting next to him is a dark-haired guy who looks like he's been
drinking awhile. The dark haired guy turns to the blond guy and says, "You
know the alley between this building and the high-rise next door?"
"Yeah, what about it?" answers the blond guy, as the bartender sets
another drink down in front of him. "Well," says the dark-haired guy,
"there's a really strong draft between the two buildings. If you jumped
out the window, the draft would keep you from falling and bring you back up."
"No way, you're lying," says the blond guy. "I'll prove it to
you," says the dark-haired guy. So the two guys and the bartender walk
over to the window. The dark-haired guy jumps out and starts to fall. About
four floors from the ground, he stops and starts heading back up. He grabs the
window ledge and the other guy helps him back in. The blond guy decides he
wants to try that, so he jumps out the window. But he doesn't come back up.
Instead, he hits the ground with a SPLAT. The dark-haired guy returns to his
seat, followed by the bartender. As the bartender gives him another drink, he
says, "You know, Superman, you really are a mean drunk."
Humana hospital in
A young male ventriloquist is doing his act in a small town in
I first heard this joke 50 years ago: A man makes his first cross
An old man’s buddies send him a prostitute. When the prostitute appears at
the old man's door, she says, "I am here to give you super sex." The
old man says, "I'll have the soup."
There’s an 8 and a 0 walking down the road. The 0 says to the 8.....
Q: How come in
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from
her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon,
out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy
Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy
godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I
last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration,
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy
beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid
gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and
scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said,
"Oh Thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied "It
is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality,
and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside
her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began
to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one
more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened
cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so
profound a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before
her, a man so beautiful the likes of which she had ever seen, so fair indeed
that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again
spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with
a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie
moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat,
breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then
Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and
held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close blowing her
golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,.”I bet you regret having me
neutered now, don't you?”
What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Back in the 1920s, two racehorses are standing around the stable complaining
about how rough things are. One complains, "What a life! Up at dawn. They
give us a drink of warm water and dry oats. Then we have to run around the
track all morning. In the afternoon, we have to do it again, except with
thousands of people watching. And if we lose, then next morning we're up twice
as early, get half as much to eat, and they work us twice as hard. Just then a
stable dog interrupts. He says, "you guys think you have it rough? Think
of the milkman's poor horse. He's up before dawn every morning, pulling that
heavy cart through the streets -- up one hill and down the next. And it never
gets any lighter, because every time the milkman delivers a quart of milk he
takes back four empties... You two have it easy." Then the first horse
looks to the second horse and says, "Look! A talking dog!"
An old one that Buddy Hackett told and I nearly croaked laughing. A hunter
shoots a duck. He and his dog run off to retrieve it. Finds the duck just
inside a farmer's field, farmer standing there chewing hay looking at it.
Hunter says "Excuse me, that's my duck, I just shot it." Farmer says,
"Sorry, friend, it's inside my fence line so it's MY duck." After
some bickering, the farmer suggests a groin kicking contest for ownership of
the duck. Hunter agrees, and steels himself for the first blow. Farmer draws
back a leg and heaves hunter in the groin so hard the hunter drops like a
stone, tears in his eyes, wind driven from him. After five minutes the hunter
manages to haul himself to his feet and mutters, "okay, now it's my
turn." Farmer says, "Nah. Keep the duck." Of course, with Buddy
Hackett telling it it's a lot more animated.
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering whether or not
there really is a doG.
A guy at home is bored, decides he needs a good pet, something unique. He
goes out and decides on a centipede. He gets home with his little buddy, places
the box down and watches some TV. Feeling bored, he lifts the lid and asks, hey
Mr. centipede, would you like to go to the bar? No answer from the little guy,
and replaces the lid. An hour later, he lifts the lid, and asks about the bar,
again hears no reply. A Short time later, the man decides to give it another
try, he lifts the lid, and in a little louder voice asks, Mr. Centipede, would
you like to go to the bar? Suddenly a very meek little voice says, would you
please shut up, I heard you the first time, I am trying to get my boots on.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
A guy walks into a shop and sees a dog lying on the floor in front of the
counter so he says to the clerk " Does your dog bite? " And the clerk
says " No" So the guy reaches down to pet the dog which suddenly,
viciously bites his hand. So the guy, cradling his hand, says to the clerk
" I thought you said your dog doesn't bite." And the clerk says
"That's not my dog."
This is one of the funniest jokes I have heard. It describes our
relationship with the
Late one evening, two nuns, Sister Logic and Sister Mathematics, are walking
back to the Nunnery when they notice they're being followed by a
sinister-looking man. "What could he want," asks Sister Mathematics?
"Logic dictates that he wants to have his way with us," replies
Sister Logic. "He'll be upon us in 5 mins. 28 seconds! What are we to
do," asks Sister Mathematics. "It would be logical to increase our
pace," replies Sister Logic. "Now he's only 1 min. 14 seconds behind
us," says Sister Mathematics looking back again! "This is logical.
When we increased our pace, so did he. Logic would next suggest that we split
up. He can only follow one of us," replied Sister Logic. The sisters take
2 different paths and the man, having to decide, follows Sister Logic. Sister
Mathematics makes it back to the Nunnery followed a few minutes later by Sister
Logic. "So, what happened," asks Sister Mathematics? "Well, the
man caught up to me," replies Sister Logic. "And..." asks Sister
Mathematics? "Logic told me to hike up my habit," replies Sister
Logic. "AND...," asks Sister Mathematics? "Logic further
dictated that the man pull down his pants", continues Sister Logic.
"AND...," Sister Mathematics asks excitedly. Sister Logic replies,
"Well, as logic would have it, a sister with her habit hiked up runs
faster than a man with his pants pulled down."
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is
serving him he looks at his customer and asks: "Say, aren't you a
grasshopper?" The grasshopper replies, "why yes I am."
"That's funny," says the bartender,"we've got a drink named
after you". "You've got a drink named Steve?"
So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much,
so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells,
“QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then
the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when
the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective
that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that
he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a
terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very
quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he
opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s out-stretched
arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand
the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the
way, what did the chicken do?”
William J. Pomber
A Texan was traveling through
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?" Feeling
put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home? "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May
I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small
voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mummy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I
talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing
that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss
decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there
watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the
boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a
policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's
busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?" "A hello copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed
whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the
hello copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated
the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the
young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "ME"
A panda walks into a bar and orders some food and a beer. After he finishes
his meal, the waiter hands him the bill. The panda pulls out a gun, shoots the
waiter dead, stands up and begins to walk out of the bar. The bartender chases
him and says, "Hey, what are you doing. First, you shoot my waiter dead
and now you walk out of the bar without paying:. The panda looks at him with
disdain and says" Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up. The bartender goes
back to the bar and pulls out his trusty dictionary and looks up panda. He
reads: Panda - a marsupial of south Asian origin, black and white in colours.
Eats chutes and leaves .
Earl Cowley of
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long lineup
of judgement. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to
march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over
to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of
hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into
a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's
curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was
doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness", he said, "I'm waiting in
line for judgment but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those
people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the
others?" "Ah, those..."Satan said with a groan, "They're
A man dies choking on a chicken bone at a fancy dinner. The funeral director
tries to comfort the new widow by pointing out how good the late departed looks
in his tux and that there will be money saved by not having to buy him a new
suit. "No," cries the widow, "He was wearing a blue suit when I
first saw him and I want him buried in a blue suit no matter what the extra
cost." So there he was at the funeral, handsomely laid out in a blue suit.
After the service the widow thanks the funeral director and asks how much extra
she would have to pay. "Oh nothing, another fellow died right after your
husband. He was wearing a blue suit and his wife didn't care what he buried in
. . " "So you just switched suits," said the widow as she caught
his drift. "No," explained the director, "We switched
I don't know about funniest but I like this one: As he was about to retire
to his warm bed a man heard a loud knocking at his door. Answering the summons
he discovered an obviously very drunk man, standing in the rain, who said,
"Say, pal, could you give me a push?" "At one in the morning, in
the pouring rain, not a chance." said he and slammed the door. Returning
to his bed he explained what it was about to his wife who reminded him that
people had helped him on other occasions. He then donned his clothes, and a
raincoat and boots and going back to the door, "OK, where are you?"
he called into the dark. The drunk replied, "I'm over here on the
Q.: When you turn out the light in the kitchen, where does it go? A.: Check
A guy walks into a bar. Bang! Right in the head!
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had
a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Mel is a small businessman who runs a company that makes nails. He wants to
increase sales so he goes to an ad agency to make a TV commerical. He tells the
ad people he wants a commercial that stresses the quality of his nails. They
tell him to come back in a week. A week later Mel goes to the ad agency office
to view the proposed commercial. The commerical opens with the camera on a nail
with "Mel's Nails" and his company logo stamped on it. The view then
pans out and you see nail nailed into the palm of a hand which is nailed to a
piece of wood. The camera further pans out and you see a guy nailed to a cross
by this hands and feet. He is in rags wearing a crown of thorns on his head.
Then words appear on the screen: "Mel's Nails - QUALITY" After the
viewing Mel is visibly disturbed. "I don't like this commercial. I deal
with a lot of people in the trade industries who would be offended by it."
"It's no good. Change it." The ad agency says okay and tells him to
come back in another week. A week later Mel returns to view the re-worked
commercial. It opens with the same bearded man with the crown of thorns but he
is now running for his life. Chasing him are 2 Roman centurions. One of the
centurians says to the other, "DAMN!, we shoulda used Mel's Nails!!"
Last summer when the Pope came to visit
A 12-year-old boy is walking home from school after having his first sexual
education class. Being a curious sort, he decides on buying some condoms on the
way. He sees that a six-pack are on sale for $5 at the drug store. He takes
them to the pharmacist to pay for them, and the pharmacist asks for $5.75.
"But the sign said they were on sale for $5" says the boy.
"Well, that's not including the tax" replies the pharmacist. The boy
looks absolutely horrified and says, "I thought they just kind of held
Bear Warning: California State Department of Fish and Game is advising
hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert
for bears while in the
An Irishman is walking along the beach when he sees what looks like an old
Guiness bottle sticking out of the sand. He picks it up and brushes off the
label, and - poof - a genie appears, offering the usual three wishes. The man
looks at the bottle, and says "Well, for a start I'd like a full one of
these." The bottle magically becomes full, and the man takes a long drink.
When he's finished, he notices that the bottle is still full, and asks the
genie why. "Well," replies the genie, "you asked for the bottle
to be full, and it will always be full, no matter how much you drink from it.
Now, how about those other two wishes?" "Well, in that case"
says the excited Irishman, "I'll have two more of these."
Santa Singh goes to a doctor with both burnt ears. Doctor: How did this
happen? Santa Singh: I was ironing my shirt and someone called me, I put the
iron to my ear thinking it to be the telephone. Doctor: How did you happen to
get the other one burnt too? Santa Singh: The idiot called again.
A man enters a bar, and orders two pints of beer. He drinks from one then
the other until both are finished, and leaves. He does this every night, and
eventually the barman can't contain his curiosity. "I can't help noticing
that you order two drinks at once; that's kind of unusual - patrons usually buy
one, then another." The man replies "yes, that's true - it must seem
a bit strange, but my brother has emigrated to New Zealand, and we decided to
drink to each other every night, so that's why I order two; one for me and one
for my brother." The barman is very touched by this show of friendship,
and tells the man so. A little later, the man comes in with a sad look on his
face, and only orders one pint. The barman, fearing the worst, eventually
builds up the courage to ask "I hope that nothing's happened to your
brother . . ." "Oh no," says the man, "it's nothing like
that, it's just that I've given up drinking."
A Democratic Congressman and a Canadian Opposition MP were arguing who had
the freer nation. Their debate was going nowhere till the MP said "In
Canada, I can stand up in the House of Commons and say that 'The Prime Minister
cares more about public opinion polls than the safety or freedom of
Canadians'..., without the fear of being called a traitor or unpatriotic...Can
you do that in Congress?" "Just watch" The congressman say's
Later during the session of the house the Democrat stands and nods to the MP in
the gallery and says... "Mr. Speaker, It has come to my attention that the
Prime Minister of Canada cares more about polls....."
Two peanuts were walking down the street....one was a salted.
A young woman gets on the a city bus with her newborn baby. The bus driver
takes one look at her baby and breaks out laughing. "That is the ugliest
baby I have ever seen!". The woman is so offended she storms to back of
the bus and sits down angrily. A young man sitting across the aisle from her
notices how upset she is and asks her what the problem is. "That busy
driver was just horribly rude to me!" she said. "Well, that's not
right." The man responds. "He shouldn't be allowed to treat you like
that!" "I know, I know." the woman responds. "Our tax
dollars supplement his income. In a manner of speaking, he works for us."
"You're right!" The woman exclaims. "You should go give him a
piece of your mind!" "I think I will!" The woman says and stands
up. "Good for you. I'll hold your monkey."
Three men were in line at the Pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. When
they finally get to talk to St. Peter, they are informed that everyone gets to
drive a car around in heaven, but the type of car you receive will depend on
how faithful you have been to your wife. The first man admits to having had an
affair. St. Peter gives him a Chevette, with some rust and no muffler. The
second man tells St. Peter that he cheated, but only once. He receives a
Volkswagon. The third man proudly tells St. Peter that he has been completely
faithful to his wife of 50 years. He receives a shiny new Ferrari. So the three
men are driving around heaven when they come to a stop light. The man in the
Ferrari is crying hysterically. The other two men ask him what could possibly
be wrong - after all he is in heaven with a beautiful vehicle!? He looked at
them slowly and replied "I just saw my wife... she was on a
Mr. and Mrs. Hill were vacationing in Transylvania when their car went off
the road and they were both horribly killed. But just above the site where they
died stood the castle of a mad scientist. When he heard the car's noise, the
scientist and his assistant, Igor, came down to see what had happened. The
scientist was appalled at the deaths of these two poor people, so he and Igor
took the bodies back to his castle. In the castle, the scientist and Igor
worked feverishly to reanimate the dead couple. Lightning, chemicals, new
organs ... but nothing worked. Eventually, the scientist gave up, fell into a
despair, and went away to his tower to play the pipe organ until he felt
better. Igor was mopping up the lab and listening to the scientist play when he
noticed that the dead woman was stirring. She sat up and shook herself, then
reached for her husband, who also sat up and looked around. Igor knew his
employer would want to know of this development at once, so he took off up the
tower stairs. Reaching the top, Igor pounded on the door until it flew open. He
threw his arms wide and said... "Master! The Hills are alive with the
sound of music!"
I think it is quite funny. It's not the funniest joke I ever heard, though.
That has to be this one: Q: "What's invisible and smells like
carrots?" A: "Bunny farts!"
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender keeps staring at
him. The gorilla is offended and finally says, "hey man, why are you
staring at me?" "I'm sorry" replies the bartender, "but it
isn't everyday that we get a gorilla in here." The gorilla replies:
"at these prices, it's no wonder."
A snail crawls into a bar and yells "bartender I want a beer". The
bartender looks at the snail and then curls up his finger and flicks the snail
off the bar! A year later the snail crawls into the bar again and yells at the
bartender "hey... wudya do that for!!?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says and says to the bartender, "give
me a beer and a mop."
A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a nice house in a quiet suburban
neighbourhood. To his astonishment, the door is answered by a young boy of
about 12 years of age who has a cigarette in one hand and a glass of scotch in
the other. The shocked salesman asks " Is your mother home?" What do
YOU think" answers the boy.
The original and still the best, the Monty Python Funniest Joke in the
World: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das
Nine-year-old Sara returns home from school, and her mother asks her how her
day was. "It was great" Sara, says, "we got to take swimming
lessons today. We had a lady take us in the pool and teach us how to tread
water and do the front crawl" Sara's mom sighs, thinking back to her
younger days. "When I was your age" Sara's Mom replies, "it was
a lot different. They used to throw me in the deep end and wait for me to start
paddling. Every time, they'd just throw me in." After a few seconds, Sara
looks at her mom and says "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and, desperate to seem like a sweet and
sensitive guy, he says "You know, I never got dogs - I'm a cat man,
myself." The woman, seeing right through the veneer, says "I like
cats too. Let's exchange recipes."
Neil C. Raynor
Albert Einstein approaches St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, who is standing
next to a whiteboard. St. Peter says, "We've been having a problem with
imposters - can you prove you are who you say you are?" Without hesitation
Einstein goes to the whiteboard and begins formulating an equation that only he
could solve. St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven Mr. Einstein." Pablo
Picasso approaches, St. Peter stops him and explains how Einstein had proved
himself. Without hesitation Picasso goes to the whiteboard and drafts a sketch
in his inimitable style. St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven Mr.
Picasso." George W. Bush approaches. St. Peter stops him and explains how
Einstein and Picasso had proved themselves. Without hesitation Dubya goes to
the whiteboard, then stops and asks "Who's Einstein? Who's Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven Mr. Bush."
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,
"I'm sorry but we don't serve drinks to pieces of string. Get lost!"
So the string goes outside, ties himself into a knot, fluffs up the top end of
the string, and comes back inside and orders a drink again. "Hey,"
says the bartender. "aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of
here a while ago?" The string says, "I'm afraid not."
The galley slaves were sitting there, chained to their oars, waiting for
another endless day of rowing to begin. The slave master appeared in front of
them and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that
there will be no rowing today. You will be unchained and free to roam around
the ship and eat and drink as much as you like." A great cheer went up
from the shackled multitude. "The bad news is that tomorrow the Captain
wants to go water skiing."
A teacher gave a class a true and false quiz. He noticed one girl writing
the exam who would flip a coin, check if it was head or tails, than write her
answer for each question. He decided to say nothing. She'd find out how
inadequate her method was. When she was finished he saw her start at the top
again and repeat the procedure. He couldn't contain himself any longer.
"Now what are you doing" he asked. She answered, "Well, I'm
checking my answers."
This is the classic Canadian joke: Q: How do you get 50 drunken, unruly
Canadians out of the swimming pool? A: You say "Hey, would you please get
out of the swimming pool."
"I think not", said Descartes . . . and promptly disappeared!
An old guy is taking his first plane trip. The plane takes off and shortly
thereafter a loud bang is heard on the starboard side. The captain comes on the
intercom and says " Folks, we just lost our #1 engine, but we have 3
others so we'll be fine, we'll just arrive 1 hour late". Soon, the
passengers hear a loud bang on the port side. Captain says "Well, there
goes our #2 engine, now it'll be two hours late arriving." Sure enough,
soon a third bang is heard on the port side. Captain says "Now it's three
hours folks". The old guy turns to his seatmate and complains "Jeez,
if that 4th engine goes, we'll be up here all night!"
Two baggage handlers are removing one of those pet-carrier cages from the
belly of a plane when it slips and falls 20 feet to the pavement below. One of
the guys climbs down, looks inside the battered cage, looks up solemnly and
says 'Damn, we killed a cat'. His partner takes a look, thinks a bit, and says
'Hey, this is a pretty ordinary-looking black cat with a collar and tag. I bet
if we went to the pound, got a similar cat, put this collar and tag on it, etc,
nobody would know.' So they decide to try to replace the cat. Meanwhile, a
little old lady is waiting at the baggage claim for the cage to appear. After
about an hour, she goes to the service rep to ask about her cat. The agent
tries to keep her calm, but after another 1/2 hour the lady is getting worried
and irritated, and the agent is becoming frustrated. Finally, the cage appears,
and both of them breath a sigh of relief. The lady glances at the cage across the
room and immediately says 'That is NOT my cat!'. The frustrated agent asks
'Madam, how could you possibly claim that's not your cat when you barely
glanced at the cage and didn't even look inside?' 'Because, my cat was DEAD!'
A farmer phones the Fire Department. Farmer: My barn's on fire and if you
don't get here quick it's going to catch the house on fire. Fireman: We're on
our way. How do we get there? Farmer: Don't you still have that big red truck?
I was looking for a piece of writing by Einstein, but instead found this
story, which has become my favourite joke. When Albert Einstein was making the
rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to
get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another
rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat
resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give
this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein
laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at
the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back
of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and
even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor
asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing
here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare
and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let
my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them to each buy a copy of the group picture. "just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'" a small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher. She's
An elderly carpenter notices a man wearing a white robe and a curious look
on his face peering into his shop. He pokes his head out the door and asks the
man if he can help him. "Well", the man says, "I grew up in a
carpenter shop just like this one. But I haven't been back in a long
time." "That's interesting", replies the older man, "a boy
used to live here, but he disappeared one day and I haven't seen him for a long
time." The young man went on; "I was raised by a very wise, gentle
carpenter with a beard who helped me understand the ways of mankind. He wasn't
my real father but I loved him just as if he was." "Well isn't that
something? I helped the boy learn tolerance and understanding, He wasn't my
real son, but I loved him as if he was." the elder replied. Suddenly, the
young man's face lit up with joy. He spread his arms and shouted,
"Joseph!" At the same time, the old carpenter spread his arms and
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame
rabbit? Tame way.