What Sweet seems to find funny. . .
In an entirely random order, what follows are many examples of what I find humourous or funny. If you have a good computer, you can download whatever interests you. Or just read it here.
A sample:
A colleague has a poster over the
desk here that reads:
|
not screaming in terror like his passengers. |
If
this
hasn't warned you off, here's what you will find:
Mottos
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
One sunny day a rabbit came out
of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so
nice
that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!".
But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit.
The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch.
Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis.
The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.
And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.
How Microsoft Works.... (Or, based on local experience here, doesn't... I don't know if this story is apocryphal or not, but GM's analogy seems pretty good.)
In an effort to express the
accomplishments
of Microsoft in understandable terms, Bill Gates made the
following comparison with General Motors
products:
You could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and
gets
a thousand miles to the gallon
of gas. In either case, the sticker price of the new car would be less
than $50.00. "
1.You’d have a car that crashes 4 times a day.
2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have
to buy a new car.
3.Your car would constantly die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this as a normal part of operations.
4.Your car would also stop and fail to restart, and you’d have
to reinstall the engine.
5.For some strange reason, you’d just accept this, too.
6.You could only have one person in the car at a time unless
you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you’d have to buy more seats.
(Macintosh
would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice
as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
Macintosh
car owners could get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which
would make their cars run much slower.)
7.To continue, the oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning
lights would all be combined into a single "General Auto Protection
Fault
" warning light that, when lit, would oblige you to stop your car in
the
middle of the highway and restart it.
8.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9.If you were involved in a crash, you would never be able to
determine the real cause of the crash.
10.Finally, the airbag system would ask you to press an " Are
you sure? " button before deploying.
Steven Wright jokes:
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."
"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."
"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say 'C'mere Stay C'mere Stay' and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinkys on the escalator."
"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".
One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, where they mad!!
(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and ...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
Ever notice how
irons
have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
or
my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What's the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet,
what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I
never have
to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for
5
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys.
I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and
a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here,
officer."
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another
sign
below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the
boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When
you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car
just takes
right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite
picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over
what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom.
They put
it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said:
"Do
I know you?"
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to
do?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
put the
kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he
didn't obey.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't
included,
so I had to buy them again.
I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
neighborhood
was gone.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to
the
funeral in one car.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say "Come here, Stay!" After
a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches
taller.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I
thought I'd
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find
tractors small
enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information. She
said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll
throw
it at them.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on
my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my
face. The
neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from
a woman
in
I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice).
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if
that didn't happen.
The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your
honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting
Slinkys on the escalator.
Having sex with <name> is incredible. It's just like a concert.
We throw
Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit
here
is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that
far."
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said,
"wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the
afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's
going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys
in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating
up a
child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and
four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the
place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of
a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues
that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or
chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll
give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to
everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They
went, "Aaaaahhhh....."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the
stairs.
The sun never sets on the
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I
did. Then
I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old
lady had to help me across the street.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're
reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are
closed? I'm
like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light
on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the
experiment? I'm
like that all the time.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something
on.
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Is tired old cliche one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me
it was
none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give
it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a
period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.
I went to
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup
of
sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I
will!"
I had my coat hangers spayed.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja-Vu. The headwaiter
said,
"don't I know you?"
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said
to the guy, Let me ask you a question, "If you are in a spaceship that
is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want
your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope.
We're surrounded.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice
until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a
year. I
thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he
told
me.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was
teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a
gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a
purple
wooden horse.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then
I got
bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Doin' a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and
I'm
gonna say, " Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go
like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to
the pet
store and said, "give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls
yesterday."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there
and write misspelled words on them.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a
touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored
another one.
I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just
stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have
written that."
So, do you live around here often?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an
only child eventually.
(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
part O. I
don't trust anybody!
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can
help me, and I'd say, "have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask
me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I washed mud off of mud.
I took a baby shower.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway
instead. You
couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go
by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any
toy train schedules?"
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I
went
straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance
between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that
knowledge.
I couldn't find the remote to the remote.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he
can get
me five.
The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me.
You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean
too far
back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself
at the
last second? I feel like that all the time.
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an
idiot.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the
beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever
we
walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.
Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on
a bus
who tells him all her problems. She says she is on her way to therapy,
because
she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys.
She then
says, "by the way, what is your name?" He says, "Hi, I'm Bucky
Goldstein."
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down
in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my
mind at
the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two
little
kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says,
"See? That's how it's done."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I have a map of the
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes, I need them.
Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were
trapped on the
escalators.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm
in a submarine that's been hit .
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you
wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good.
He
could go under a rug.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic
hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department
store, with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the
vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving.
Every half
mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I
don't
remember what it was.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in
the door
of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started
up. So I
drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said,
"Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my
building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all
of the
cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why
haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has
no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said,
"I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it."
For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to
park it,
so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the
back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped
out a quarter?
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I
pushed 1
and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said,
"
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious
because I brought a beach towel.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm
the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I
can ask
him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get
pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it
clearly], and says "Here, you can go."
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they
wouldn't have to go so fast.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open
24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."
My neighbor has a circular driveway, he can't get out.
I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I
leave a house, I go out through the window.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912.
Well, to
make a long story short...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know
when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said
it's
"Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend,
he said, "hey, these records are all blank."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and
went to
sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got
there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me
are
furious!
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it
pisses me
off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?
You
haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
said the
whole time.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep. I said, "But I don't know how." She said,
"It's really easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."
So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right.
My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to
sleep!"
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet
in the
shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want
and the
table would move across the floor to it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't
you
see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his
glass of
water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got
some flip-up contact lenses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
Spring."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just
be walking down the street, and "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep it
scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing
what I
was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in
front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in
the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking
straight Bosco
on the job.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get
it.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he
become
disoriented?
I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change
this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun
wouldn't rise.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was
made of
grass.
The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything
had two
shadows.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
20 things that never happen in Star Trek
20) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
19) The crew discover a totally new lifeform which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
18) The crew is struck by an alien plague, the cure for which is found in the well-stocked sick bay.
17) A power surge on the bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
16) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
15) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
14) The crew is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they can easily pacify with candy.
13) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenonmenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
12) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
11) The shields stay up during a battle.
10) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
9) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
8) Picard walks up to a replicator and says "Coke with ice".
7) Worf gives another vessel more than two seconds to respond to a hail.
6) Guinan forgets herself and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
5) The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Prime Directive.
4) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
3) Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about every third sentence that anyone says to him.
2) The ship comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
1) Mood rings come back into style, jeopardizing Counsellor Troi's position.
Theology exam (postconciliar version)
Instructions: You may answer all, any, or none of the following
Questions:
1. Is there such
a thing as a theologically indefensible position? Explain.
2. How many different ways can you spell Schillibeeckx?
3. Has the Church always taught anything? Be specific.
4. Reflect on the Seven Deadly Sins. Describe how you have integrated these in your life.
5. Who wrote the Summa Theologica, and why?
6. Why is Simon Stylites important in the history of Eccentric Spirituality?
7. Compare the discernment process of Ignatius with that of Sherlock Holmes.
8. Does Karl Rahner believe in verbs?
9. In light of recent papal directives, discuss the hundred button cassock. Should the garment properly be unbuttoned at the top, bottom or middle? Discuss the pros and cons, in the light of the above, of a six foot zipper. Given the sacred male priesthood, are not 2 zippers too much? Discuss by way of contrast, the possibilities of a hundred button fly.
10. Construct, on a single legal-size sheet, a mockup of the Trinity.
11. Chart the progress of a mystic climbing Dante's Mount of Purgation from the inside.
12. If the headquarters of the Church are in Rome, where are its hindquarters? Illustrate.
13. Taking into account the view of Norman Vincent Peale that Christ had everything going for him, and blew it, refute the Servant Songs of Isaiah.
14. If transcendental meditation grew immanent, would its devotees disappear down a black hole in space? Interview at least 5 t.m.'ers on this question.
15. Which of the
following
do not belong in a given group? --
a. Rahner, Kung, Howdy Doody, Dulles, Schillebeeckx
b.
Ecclesiology,
Christology, Mariology, Phrenology, Eschatology
c. Esther,
Dolly Parton, Ruth, Judith, Sarah
d. bishop,
cardinal, priest, deacon, cowboy
e. John
XXIII, Malcolm X, Paul VI, John Paul I, John Paul II
16. In light of Protestant theology of the '60's, discuss the neo-Gothic towers of New York's Riverside Church. If God is indeed dead, have they buried him standing?
Being academics, we are reminded of some of the essentials of teaching and research. But first there is … tenure
Here is one way of achieving that coveted end (in a science department)
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions:
-
include
in your next journal article the citations below.
- remove
the
first citation from the list and add a citation to your journal
article at the bottom.
- make
ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this letter away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992). Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light. Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991). Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?: an empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994). Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization: Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation, University of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
-- From the newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Apparently written by David DeMers (demers@cs.ucsd.edu)
The Joy of Teaching
Then Jesus took his disciples up
to the mountain and gathered them around him,
he taught them saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs
is
the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that
mourn. Blessed are you when
you
suffer. Be glad and rejoice, for your reward
is great in heaven."
Then Simon
Peter
said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said,
"Will we have a test on this?"
And Philip said,
"I don't have any paper."
And Bartholomew
said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said,
"The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said,
"May I go to the bathroom?"
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Where are your objectives and your required competencies in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.
50 fun things for professors to say the first day of class
1. Wear a hood with one
eyehole.
Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming
everyone's
names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday
was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the
overhead
projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser
helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer
and softer and then suddenly point to
a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture
through
a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a
question,
walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture,
Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students,
ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book
while muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you
"Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown
for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the
banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval
torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need
this", and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses
and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
questions.
15. Start the lecture by
dancing
and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."
16. Ask occasional questions,
but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read
Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone
book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will
be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate
students sprinkle flower petals ahead of
you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that
their entire grades will be based on a single-question
oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play
a tape of crickets chirping, and
begin singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for
a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead
projector
at the class. Demand each student's name,
rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing
the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25. Have a band waiting in
the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze
in mid sentence and stare off into space for several
minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality"
helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks
a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions
with
your hands.
28. Mention in passing that
you're wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and
address
students as "matey".
30. Devote your math lecture
to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to "sit back and groove".
31. Announce that last year's
students have almost finished their class projects.
32. Inform your English class
that they need to know FORTRAN and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to
class.
Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee"
and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk
over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34. Wear a feather boa and
ask students to call you "Snuggles".
35. Tell your math students
that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself
in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't
use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken.
Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class
and announce that it will be the teaching assistant
for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in
a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in
a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue.
Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll
fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".
42. Announce that you need
to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them
in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss
to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire
32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.
45. Ask students to list their
favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in
the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they
should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to
students
who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in
a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about
"that bug I picked up in the field".
50. Jog into class, rip the
textbook in half, and scream, "Are
you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
By J. Timothy Peters (from the
Chronicle
of Higher Education)
| Statement: | Really Means: |
| According to my sources... | According to the guy who taught this class last year... |
| Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material? | Has anyone opened the book yet? |
| The test will be 50-questions multiple choice. | The test will be 60-questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55 per cent. |
| Some of you could have done better. | Everyone flunked. |
| The test scores were a little below my expectations. | Where was the party last night? |
| The test scores were generally good. | Some of you managed a C+. |
| The implications of this study are clear. | I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test. |
| Any questions? | I'm ready to let you go. |
| Today we'll let a member
of the
class
lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience. |
I stayed out too late last night and d idn't have time to prepare a lecture. |
| Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field. | I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said. |
| We can continue this
discussion
outside
of class. |
1. I'm tired of this
- let's
quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit |
| You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question. | I don't know. |
| The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class. | I don't know. |
| In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view. | I really don't know. |
| Various authorities agree that... | My hunch is that... |
| The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important. | I don't understand the details either. |
| If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course. | If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course. |
| You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. | I used it as a grad student. |
| Today we are going to discuss a most important topic. | Today we are going to discuss my dissertation. |
| It's been very rewarding to teach this class. | I hope they find someone else to teach it next year. |
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you
define 'change'.
_________________________________________________________________
How many
existentialists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan
the darkness until the other redefines something else
as light.
How many Classic
Idealists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one--he prays,
God turns his head to pay attention, the light bulb
moves!
How many Analytic
Philosophers
does it take to change a light bulb?
None-it's a
pseudo-problem...light
bulbs give off light (hence the name)...if
the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it
wouldn't be a 'light
bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
How many Reformed
epistemologists
does it take to change a light bulb?
1.37--and that needs
no explanation because it is a properly basic belief.
How many monists
does
it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there
is only ONE monist...
How many
deconstructionists
does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the
NILE is the longest river in Africa.
How many Kantians
does
it take to change a light bulb?
Two to change the
phenomenal
bulb; and one to explain that we might not
have actually changed the bulb-an-sich at all.
How many
evolutionists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the
x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly
How many Creation
Scientists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change
it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional
forms occurred at all.
How many
Heraclitians
does it take to change a light bulb?
None--its never the
same light bulb again anyway
How many Process
philosophers
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one really fast
one--to stand in front of the bulb and block it from
prehending the attribute of 'brokenness' in the next 1/32nd of a
second!
How many Humeans
does
it take to change a light bulb?
None--since the bulb
actually contains a gaseous substance, and thus contains
no 'abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number' nor any 'experimental
reasoning concerning matters of fact and existence' it will
simply be removed and thrown in the fire...
How many speech act
theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Do you really want
to know or are you simply asking me to change it?
How many
phenomenologists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only a couple, but
by the time they get through with it, the 100-watt bulb
has been reduced to a night light.
How many skeptics
does
it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't
do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they
aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many modal
logicians
does it take to change a light bulb?
In WHICH world?
How many fatalists
does
it take to change a light bulb?
None, why fight it?
How many Anselmists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one is NECESSARY.
How many
Aristotelians
does it take to change a light bulb?
Exactly four (it's
a causality thing)
How many theodicists
does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the
bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of
love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all
How many solipcists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually there are
none left in existence...they simply "solipcided away"
How many
fallibilists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but I COULD
be wrong about that.
How many Epicureans
does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy
taking advantage of the darkness!
How many Hegelians
does
it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just
at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it
will eventually synthesize these into at least some dim glow
for us...
How many Cartesians
does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately,
when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that
they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all
just
blinked out of existence.
How many Kuhnian
constructionist
philosophers of science does it take to
change a light bulb?
You're still thinking
in terms of 'incremental change'--what we really need
is paradigm shift...we don't need a bulb with more attributes added
on, we need ubiquitous luminescence.
How many decision
theorists
does it take to change a light bulb?
PROBABLY two.
_________________________________________________________________
Causes of Death
for some of the great philosophers...
(From January 1994,
"From the Editor", Ethics)
-------------------------------------------------------------
*
Thales:Drowning
*
Parmenides:
It wasn't anything at all
* Ockham:
Cut while shaving
* Russell:
Cut while being shaved by one who did not shave himself
*
Descartes:
Stopped thinking
* Spinoza:
Substance abuse
* Leibniz:
Monadnucleosis
* Darwin:
Natural causes
* Hume:
Unnatural causes
* Kant:
Transcendental causes (although it was his own idea)
* Paley:
By design
*
Heidegger:
By Dasein
* Meinong:
Climbing accident
* G.E.
Moore: By his own hand, obviously
* Sartre:
Nausea
* Pascal:
Became despondent after losing a wager
*
Wittgenstein:
Tried to see if death was an experience one lived through.
(Alternate: fell off a ladder)
* Hegel:
Collision with owl at dusk
_________________________________________________________________
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Epicurus: For fun.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
Freud: The fact that you are all concerned about the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”. Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Homer Simpson:
Mmmmmmm....Chicken.
And speaking of December... (Don't worry, there's other non-seasonal stuff further down)
Five Proofs for the Existence
of Santa Claus:
(from Summa Contra Scroogica, I, 2, 3)
We proceed thus to the next article of discussion. It seems that Santa Claus does not exist.
Objection 1: Presents may be given by the good elves, and so there is no need for Santa Claus
Objection 2: If Santa Claus existed, there would be no chimneys too narrow for him. But there are chimneys to narrow for him, and sometimes none at all. Therefore Santa Claus does not exist.
On the contrary, Kay Starr says, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."
I answer that the existence of Santa Claus can be proved in five ways:
The first and most evident way is
the argument from Christmas trees. It is certain
and evident to our senses that some things in this world are Christmas
trees.
Now no fir tree becomes a Christmas tree unless it is trimmed. But to
be trimmed means that one receives
an
ornament. And since one cannot go
on
to infinity in the passing on of Christmas tree ornaments, there must be
a First Untrimmed Trimmer, and this
everyone understands to be Santa Claus.
The second way is from the notion of Christmas presents. In this world we find the giving of Christmas presents. Now he who gives Christmas presents either made them in his workshop, or got them from someone else. And since, if no one makes presents in his workshop, there will be no giving of Christmas presents, there must be a first giver of Christmas presents, to whom everyone gives the name of Santa Claus.
The third way is from the plastic image of Santa Claus. In all department stores we see plastic images that represent Santa Claus. Now these are representations of Santa Claus either because of Santa himself, or because of some other image of Santa. Now there can be no infinite regression in representation, and so there must be something which is like Santa Claus because it _is_ Santa Claus.
The fourth way is taken from the degrees of Christmas Spirit. We see that people in the world have more or less of the Christmas Spirit. But "more" or "less" is said only with reference to "most"; and so there must be someone who has the most Christmas Spirit, and this someone we call Santa Claus.
The fifth way is taken from the conduct of children. As Christmas approaches we see children, who lack intelligence, acting for an end, which is shown by their always (or almost always) being good. But children would not be good for Christmas unless someone ensured that they were good. This someone is known by all to be Santa Claus.
Reply to Objection 1: Since the good elves got the presents they give from someone else, they must be, at the very most, Santa's helpers; and without someone to help, viz., Santa Claus, there can be no helpers.
Reply to Objection 2: It is not impossible that Santa use the door like everyone else.
Philosophy includes, as one of its traditional branches, ethics. Here is an example of ethics in action.
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session
of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy
over 75,000 vowels to the war-
torn region of Bosnia. The
deployment, the largest of its kind in
American history, will provide the
region with the critically needed
letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped
to render countless Bosnian names
more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by
while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly
butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the
United States must finally stand
up and say 'Enough.' It is time
the people of Bosnia finally had
some vowels in their
incomprehensible
words. The US is proud to
lead the crusade in this noble
endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed Operation
Vowel Storm by the State Department,
is set for early next week, with
the Adriatic port cities of
Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be
the first recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying
over 500 24-count boxes of "E's,"
will fly from Andrews Air Force
Base across the Atlantic and airdrop
the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv
eagerly
await the arrival of the
vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can
last
another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln,
44, said. "I have six children and
none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone
else. Mr. Clinton, please send my
poor, wretched family just
one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg
Hmphrs,
67: "With just a few key letters,
I could be George Humphries.
This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the
largest
deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984.
During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to
Ethiopia,
providing cities like
Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with
vital, life-giving supplies of L's,
S's and T's.
(The following manuscript was retrieved from a waste basket at the New School for Social Research in 1970)
One of the most
vexing
questions raised by Husserl's yet unpublished Seventh Cartesian
Meditation
is that of the relation between the familiar (and -- in spite of some
recent
positivistic carping about trivialities like consistency and
meaningfulness
-- obvious) principle of the noematico-epochosynthetic correleticity
and
the Seventh Meditation's new and radical (1) [see endnote] principle of
analysis-by-systematic-destruction-of-all-meaning (destitutive
analysis).
As is well known,
Husserl scholarship in this area is sharply divided between the
followers
of Husserl's last and most faithful assistant, Johann Lebenswelter, and
those of Husserl's most acute French critic, Marcel Gaston-Gaston.
Until
recently it was thought that this polar opposition stemmed from the
different
interpretive principles employed by the two scholars: Lebenswelter
faithfully
taking as fundamental the principle that "Husserl always means what he
says, even when he says he doesn't," (2) and Gaston-Gaston, on the
other
hand, asserting that "Husserl never means what he says, especially when
Lebenswelter thinks he does." (3) However, recently (4) the two men
both
agreed with Husserl's own assertion (5) that the two principles are
equivalent
for texts written after 1859. (Husserl regards his works prior to that
year as mere "juvenile exercises.")
However, the disagreement
remains and, to get to the heart of the conflict, let us at once
examine
a passage in the Seventh Meditation that has been the focal point of
the
dispute. (6)
NOTES
1. For a discussion of the
highly interesting and important question of whether this principle is
radically radical and -- if it is -- if this is so in a radical sense,
cf Brunhilde Jackson, "The Roots of the Radical," Harvard, 1959,
unpublishable
doctoral dissertation.
2. First stated in his early
and perhaps over-enthusiastic Jarbuch article "Phenomenologie uber
alles."
p.15.
3. Asserted in this form in
his recent "Phenomenologie et les Evenement du Mai," p. 85.
4. At the Louvain "Conference
on World Population Control by the use of the Phenomenological Method."
5. The remark is contained
in a ms. discovered belatedly by Van Breda in the pocket of an old pair
of pants. Husserl recently told me that the ms. is genuine (August 3,
1968,
private communication).
6. Both Lebenswelter and
Gaston-Gaston
agree that the fact that the secretary who transcribed the only copy of
this text from Husserl's oral presentation did not know German is of
historical
but not philosophical interest.
7. (Husserl's note) "I would
have hardly thought that the elementary caution expressed in this
sentence
would have to be stated. But I now find it necessary because of
numerous
and repeated misinterpretations by critics who seem incapable of
understanding
the simple and direct statements of my Logische Untersuchungen (not to
mention the almost popular form given my thought in Ideen I)."
8. (Husserl's note) "In this
regard, I am happy to refer to the preliminary sketch of an approach to
this analysis which was developed in part by my student, the late Herr
Strenge Wissenschaft, in the 27 volumes of his unfinished doctoral
thesis."
9. Cf. above, footnote 4.
10 The transcription has been
unaccountably delayed. Perhaps there is something to the rumors (curent
in Gaston-Gaston's camp) that the messages in question are Frau
Husserl's
grocery lists?
11. Cf. Lebenswelter's very
moving "I Remember Husserl," Bonn, 1969.
12. Here, of course,
Gaston-Gaston
is referring to his own (Sartrean-inspired) definitions of hyle as
"that
which a thing itself is not insofar as it is not itself," and morphe as
"that which a thing (as no thing) is insofar as it is not itself
itself."
Unfortunately, our translation cannot fully reproduce the poetic
quality
of the French original.
13. The project is underway
but has been slowed by diputes over Gaston-Gaston's demand that, once
the
translation is completed (if not before), all German versions of
Husserl's
work be destroyed.
14. Two American television
networks plan to provide live coverage of the vision as it occurs.
15. Each philosopher will
be shown three essences (chosen by an impartial panel of experts from
the
Husserl Archives); the first to correctly identify and completely
constitute
all three will be the winner. Such a competition is, to my mind, the
best
possible demonstration of the objective, scientific character of
phenomenology.
from Free Agent March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper)
Republished in the Utne Reader Nov./Dec. 1993
We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Aparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.'' The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.
October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
October 6 I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.
October 10 I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven.
Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever.
Think about how hungry you are.
When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated.
October 25 I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15 Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
November 30 Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
December 1 I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week
for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to
be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic
as
they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less.
From
now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.
If you've read this far, well, I'm getting rather worried. Maybe you need help. But don't call the service below…
Hello, Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline
Recording -- " Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it
doesn't
matter which number you press. No
one will answer.